University is as much of a blur today as it was when I was actually living through it. I don’t know why but for some reason I can just remember the millions of mistakes or regrets that I have made during that period in time. I sometimes wish I could take them back, but then I realize today I would not be where I am and I would rather just have it as it is.
I never knew how to hold my tongue about things, even now I struggle with this concept. I say and do things sometimes spontaneously or with invitation, maybe slightly insensitively with the belief that it is for the best outcome. I am the kind of person that will sacrifice things in order for others to grow, for example a friendship so that in the future that person is likely to suffer less or move on and be free. That’s how my friendship with the french girl ended, the way I saw things was just black and white. She cheated on he boyfriend and he caught her, she confessed and he was destroyed. He wanted to commit suicide at one point, he was so devastated. The things he had read in her messages to the other guy were tearing him apart and his final university exams were at jeopardy. I told him to choose to live with the truth or to end the relationship, as well as the truth about the likelihood that she might cheat on his again. She found out and for whatever reason didn’t ever want to speak to me again. They broke up on their own eventually and it just didn’t work out, but my relationship ended as well and I was torn up for 2 years after. He was my friend also and I didn’t want him to lose his future, but he backstabbed me for my kindness and spat in my face. Now I just stay out of these things.
At the same time after my love life in SA, things were not as successful in the UK. The guy I was dating unfortunately happened to have a bad habit of smoking pot and I was so against this, so eventually it felt like I was the adult in the relationship taking care of a naughty child. I lost my sense of sensuality and then it just got worse over time so I decided to walk away. I think it was rather abrupt and probably I hurt the poor chap, but in the end I think I did him a favour as he said the bad habit had gone too. I decided it was time for a more serious relationship and I ended up dating my best friend, because he was steady and kind, with all the good qualities a girl can expect from a guy. We dated for a long time, but in my heart we were only just friends and that fatal attraction wasn’t really there. I really truly loved him, but as my brother not as my future mate, so unfortunately that relationship also took a tumble.
I subsequently went through a phase of going out with one guy after another searching for that special someone, unfortunately in the process I ended up hurting a lot more people and completely unintentionally. I especially feel bad because they were really caring, loving guys. Some of the breakups were unfortunately influenced by my parents who didn’t approve, however these people gave me comfort and through the difficult days of writing exams, feeling alone and being a totally secluded person I managed to cope through university. I was meant to meet them and them me and for some reason we all got something out of it.
In the end pretty much all of this was just dragging on and my decisions were influenced with the relationships, to move to another country etc. I didn’t know how to be alone, to not be in a relationship. I ended up telling my next boyfriend that he must be aware that I might not love him and it may not work out but we can go out.
What a strange way to begin yet another relationship with yet another great, but wrong guy for me. Then marriage proposals followed and it all was chaotic.
That is when G decided to remake his appearance. Finally the call I had been waiting for, for so many years. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take it however.
With a little encouragement from my mother
With a little encouragement from my mother I decided to go and visit G in Cyprus and spend some time with him, but I was made several offers in the UK and was ready to begin my career as a professional. In order for my mother to pay for a ticket for me to go to Cyprus she insisted that I go for interviews even there.
I packed my bags and I was on a plane to see G, I hadn’t seen him for like 4 years. I wasn’t sure what to expect or how to act etc. What I was very sure of was that I was only going there as a friend and that’s it.
I got off the plane and I gathered my things and here I was walking through the door of the tiny airport and he was standing there waiting for me in his black leather jacket. He came up to me and gave me a big hug, my sunglasses hit the floor and the smell of his cologne hit my nose with that all familiar smell. I was back in the arms of the only boy I ever really loved and who was truly meant for me. He was made for me. How obnoxious am I to think that? But I believe it.
Anyway, with a tiny kiss on each cheek and with my pale complexion I realised that I looked totally out of place among the Cypriot population around us.
We got to the car and loaded the bags. Driving down a very dark road surrounded by white rubble stones, I remember having a meaningless conversation with a lot of awkward silence until he grabbed my hand and held it like he had done many times before while driving.
What was going to be the outcome of this?